Confessions For A Thursday

So... Since February (when the last parent passed), I've developed a deeper appreciation for what some would consider a "darker"perspective on things...

If you knew me at all, you would know that music has always been a very big part of my life, my person, my very being. From keeping one song on "Repeat" so that I could learn it on a cellular level, to times where I refuse to listen to any music at all, because nothing matches "where I am", or "where I want to go".

As the elder Nevilon Meadows used to say, "Music is an aesthetic phenomena" 

And as such, it does have to ability to alter one's thoughts and disposition.

Perhaps you already know this, perhaps, like me, you have tried to use this information to your advantage by changing the music to either suit or change your current disposition.

I have a very deep appreciation for music and would be willing to chat with you on that subject extensively (consider that an invitation)

I remember the first time I heard "Highway To Hell", and thinking that  AC/DC was, in fact, in the express lanes on said highway.

I also remember sometime later that I actually sat down, and gave a good listen to Megadeath and Metallica. I walked away from that experience with an aversion to one group, and a fan of the other.

Did I mention that I consider myself a musician and a musicologist of sorts?

So... in the past 10 years, I went from LimpBizkit, to Staind, and settled in on Creed in the mid 2000's.

As I started out saying, I've developed a deeper appreciation for what some would consider a "darker" perspective on things. I've mostly kept to the same "family", which for me, means, Creed, Alter Bridge, and Tremonti. For the majority of last 6 months, these bands have comprised the bulk of my rock music listening, I've been very happy with the results.

This afternoon, as I was watching movie trailers on vudu, I saw the trailer for one of my favorite movies The Butterfly Effect. As the video and audio from the movie played on the the screen and speakers, I also heard a song recorded by Staind, that I remembered appreciating.

The thing about all of this music, speaks to me in my present and/or past disposition...

And I like it...

Confessions, Part 2 (What A Fool Believes...)

Confessions...

Melancholy decided to pay me a visit, and I have not, as yet, sent him away.

This has been an interesting year, truth be told, it has been an interesting couple of years...

Both parents passed away within 14 months of each other... I spent the better part of the last year trying to repair damaged relationships... Was shown that people rarely say what they mean, and if they do, perhaps they only mean it for that particular moment.

Of those relationships, the majority abandoned the relationship just when things were getting crucial for me...

Flash of thought- they could not or were not willing to give me what I need, when I needed it. Perhaps they think/feel the same way a toward/about me.

Perhaps that goes for the parents as well...

Not saying that I've ever been the perfect son or significant other.

I have always believed that two individuals who are willing to work together can accomplish more.

Much Thinking Here...

So... I love a woman...
But I don't meet her "requirements"

She deserves the very best.

I can't seem to shake her...
I'm not even talking about emotionally.
When all emotion is removed from the equation, what she gave to me is what, I believe, I need.

When things were "right" between us, she gave me the kind of love, respect, attention, and affection that I need... she gave me more than I needed.

When she thought me to be "out of line" , she gave it to me straight and in no uncertain terms. She reminded me of standards that I had once held dear, but had allowed to fall to the wayside. I needed that, and could accept that from her, when no one else could have reached me (not saying they thought or tried).

She has ceased to do both types of things, has declared her "free" status and has moved on with her life.

I Still Love Her.

You know there are more details to this story, but the bottom line is...
Even when my heart ceases to cry for her, my mind requests her practical presence.

This is my confession.

Be A Touch Stone

Wow...
It's been a minute...
Almost a year to be exact...

So much has gone on in the past year... smh...
I've been like a man 120,000 feet below, without a pressurized suit or a vehicle...
I've loved, and I've lost...
I've acted like I lost my *&$# mind...

I'm on the verge of rebirth...
I may have to chronicle some of the processes here...
I may have to get into some of the gritty details here...
I promise not to name names, but...
I promise that I will give you:

Real Talk. Real People. Real Life.

Omma Hafta Get Real With It.

I am a work in progress (just like you), and I invite you to chime in and give your own perspective on what is presented here.

Time And Tide...

So...

It's been quite some time since I last took some time to populate this blog... Can't say for certain when I'll be back again...  I suppose I shall make the most of it while I am here.

I was challenged to start this blog some time ago, and the tenor of the conversation and the blog was intended to foster deep, sometimes dark, but nonetheless, "delicious" thought. Truthfully, the blog was intended, at least in part, to fuel the conversations, and vice versa.

Since those conversations, people have come and gone in and out of my life. For some of this strange movement of people I take full responsibility. For others, well... as the saying goes, "Time and tide wait for no man..."

It is sad, but true, to say that I wish that I had done things differently. And had I made different choices, perhaps it would be most pleasant for connections to have remained in tact.  I mean... When it comes to this decision thing, you'd think I'd have it down by now... But still find myself being clumsy, foolish, and stupid sometimes.

Taking some time to think about it can bring me to the point of saying, "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda..." , but I have doubts about that statement that's attributed to George Eliot... You know the one that says, "It is never too late to be what you might have been."

I mean... Isn't the point of the "Time and tide" maxim that second chances are not guaranteed? Isn't real life much more like the old Christian hymn "Once To Every Man And Nation"?

Don't get me wrong, I believe in second chances, but wouldn't it be more prudent to plan for the best, and make every chance count?

I mean... Maybe I should be preaching to my own choir of 1.

Maybe I've spent too much time in the shallows.

Maybe I need to dive deeper, and stay down longer.

Maybe I'll start writing this blog again...

And come up with some better decisions.

Digging...

I suppose I should return to this, once fertile, ground...
And provide some structure to my many meanderings of thought...

I mean, this blog was started with the intent of "living" beneath the banal and the superficial... "Beneath" I say, because that is where the "deeper" , more universal truth lies... That is where you will find the wisdom that transcends situations and deals with the deeper ethics of a life well-lived.
Before we can be lifted "up where we belong", we must go deep - the axe must hit the root.

Get Busy...

This life has been given to us that we might learn... learn and grow...

I've heard it said that every living thing grows, and when it stops growing, it dies.

As I think about humanity, and the tendencies that we have sometimes that leads us to, how shall I say, stall for time... You know that your present circumstances have all but depleted their usefulness, and that its time to get it and keep it moving, but you just seem to keep dragging your feet. As I think about these kinds of circumstances and situations, I am reminded of a line from the movie The Shawshank Redemption ... "Get busy living, or get busy dying."

Either you have to be about truly living your life (i.e., learning and growing), or you have to be about ending your life. The truth is whether we move fast, or slow, every thought, every word, every action (or inaction) tends to either life or death. Choose Life.

Maybe you're like me, maybe in the midst of your doing and/or undoing, you've lost sight of who you are. Maybe you've lost sight of who you were created and/or called to be. Maybe you've forgotten how to take a chance on you. If this is the case, then maybe you need to hear this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDjle63jGug (Click the link or copy and paste the url into your browser address line)

Maybe you just need a new day, maybe you just need to recognize that if you just look up, tomorrow's sun will let you know your life's not done (http://bit.ly/g8tMUK)